smiling broke my heart

yesterday i was walking through the park.

the weather was grey and still. the spring colors on the trees, all the greens and pinks and whites, seemed to be doing their best to remain cheery despite the clouds that concealed the warm light of the sun.
there is one 100 meter section of the walk that is simply delightful. no matter what i am thinking about or what the weather is like or if i am in a hurry, this stretch of the path draws me into a higher praise.
the trees that line either side are tall and mis-shapen. they meet at the top to form a tunnel. it makes me feel so small and like i am a character in a fairy tail.
it was on this path my heart broke.

a roma girl was coming toward me on her bike. it's hard to explain, unless you have a point of reference, but the cart that a lot of roma tow behind their bikes houses a gigantic plastic bag. like, large enough to fit a mini cooper inside... they go from dumpster to dumpster all day long and gather plastic bottles for recycling. by the end of the day you can see them heading back to their homesteads toting this bag overflowing with bottles. that's what this girl was doing.
after a long day in the drizzle, probably getting splashed by cars and honked at constantly, she was making her way home.
judging by the direction she was going i believe she lives in this little community of "squatters" near the bridge. this community is made up of about 4 different shelters constructed from the clear plastic tarps and wooden beams given to refugees by the government some 10 years ago. the people that live there wash clothes, bathe, drink and play in the brown river Vardar. they have collected mountains of bottles over the past few months. the kids that are always running to and fro are often naked, even in the snow. hardly ever have shoes on, and usually are fighting and playing like any other kid anywhere else in the world.

so back to the girl.

she was peddling towards me and as we got in range we made eye contact. instead of looking away i felt compelled to hold her gaze and smile. at first she just kept staring, but after a few seconds of holding the smile and looking her in the eyes she broke.
she smiled so big right back at me. and there was a sense of surprise in her reaction.
we passed each other and i kept walking. about 10 steps further i turned around.
she had stopped. gotten off her bike and was standing there watching me as i walked away.

i waved and smiled. i was too far to see her face - but i knew that she was bewildered.

i fought back tears for another mile to the bus stop.

what kind of life would it be to be so surprised and confused when someone smiles at you?
how dark it must be there.


has someone smiling at you ever caused you to stop what you are doing. and stare after them in wonder about what they just gave you?


can you imagine that?